You’ve seen the ads. Get thousands of original articles for blogs and make your fortune without ever having to actually know how to write. Article spinners are hilarious. I love them! They make me feel…umm… ETHNIC.  If you’ve been following this blog you’ve probably read my humorous rant on writing. Well, I decided to be…

You’ve seen the ads. Get thousands of original articles for blogs and make your fortune without ever having to actually know how to write. Article spinners are hilarious. I love them! They make me feel…umm… ETHNIC. 

If you’ve been following this blog you’ve probably read my humorous rant on writing. Well, I decided to be radical and turn the satire into parody. I used a free online article spinner. One of those that promises marketers that they will be able to make squillions of bucks taking text from other people’s websites, and spinning it for resale. 


Well, Ok, I won’t keep you waiting. Here’s the NEW ORIGINAL I HATE WRITERS as written by a free online article spinner


Graham Whittaker

I loathe authors. They get together in aggregations. Pumping personalities. Prissing and trimming. Like meat heads. They read resoundingly from vainglorious, gaudy original copies while whatever remains of the aggregation grins and nods.

Holding their horses to be grandiose and bombastic. Then again spilling out their angst in wonderful claptrap. I detest essayists! They talk over dead individuals. Considering “what they connoted by that”.

And they drivel and trim and priss. Attempting to find importance in the futile. Typically their particular. Alternately perhaps Satre or Ayn Rand. Dammit I scorn scholars!

Shakespear. On the other hand Shakspeare…or even Shakespeare (hinging on your claims) was a hack. He gave ’em what they solicited. Violence

Sex’n’drugs’n’rock’n’roll. Magnificence be! An agent! A performing artist! A hack! I despise authors! AND their linguistically immaculate, politically right sop! SSSuffering sssyntax Batman! Chas Dickens was a hack . He bashed it out on deadlines. Serials in obscene broadsheets. Monarch Vic wouldn’t miss a scene so they state. Fans might stop him in the road and yell “What happens afterward Chas?”

“Buggered in the event that I know”. He’d state in the present Victorian vernacular. “I haven’t kept in touch with it yet!” Now that is a hack! I HATE scholars!

Definitely! Anyway shouldn’t we think about Alan Ginsberg eh? EH? Shouldn’t we think about HIM then? DUH! Ginsberg was a journalist! The Andy Warhol of the letters in order. He didn’t pitch anything besides GINSBERG.

I HATE WRITERS! Scholars are exceptional at petitioning concedes. And getting them. Hacks don’t need awards. Too occupied with working professionally! Morris West is a hack. Thomas Keneally. Kate Grenfell is a hack. And Bryce Courtenay. And Margaret Drabble. And Peter Corris. Stephen King and Dean Koontz. Hacks the whole gang! Mary Shelley was a hack! Wow she sat up in bunk ALL NIGHT to compose Frankenstein.

I scorn scholars! Twenty years to compose their main novel that pushes three duplicates. They put one book on the rack, and give to the relatives. And when they go out to supper they uproariously broadcast …”I’m an author!” DUH!! And bore you with concentrates. I scorn essayists!

Barbara Cartland, the undisputed monarch of hackery. The main thing she composed was her name on the spread at book signings. There she sat chaising on the longue, holding her pussy. (on her knee George… mind out of the canal please!) And a dazzling male aide sat adjacent to her duplicating down her chatter. 100 million books can’t be wrong. Notwithstanding THAT”S a hack!

Erle Stanley Gardner. Inimitable hack! Bah hoax! I loathe authors! And their valuable small inner selves. Authors never gave you a chance to sit and read a piece. They lean over your shoulder. And babble. Then again more terrible. They demand perusing it to you! As though their rambling on makes it more worthy! “Do you see what I’m attempting to state?” They snicker, altering you with a look that states cretin! In the event that they need to ask they’ve foundered. Strong. I detest journalists.

Yet a hack! A hack is a precious stone in the dungheap of writing. A hack only gets on with the work.

WRITERS decline to whore their craft by composing fillers for Women’s Weekly. Hacks manufacture by the score. WRITERS dream of mixed drink parties with the glitterati. To discuss themselves. Hacks tolerate the odd artistic luncheon.. and charge a charge for their squandered time. Request from a hack what s/he does a living and the wager is that they’ll state “wow I’m independently employed”

Hacks do whatever it takes not to allow being essayists. Hacks KNOW. Like specialists, or legal counselors. Never allow your main thing! You’ll be secured like flies over nectar! NEVER let an essayist comprehend your main thing! “Wow.. I”M a journalist too!” BLAH! RUN! Plan your getaway track and get the hellfire out of there quick!

I disdain scholars! Nod. You’ve had a giggle. We’ve all run into the valuable small petals at one time or another. Here’s a tip. Assuming that you need to be an author strive to be a hack. Compose. Just compose. Don’t crow, or priss or dress. Just compose. Join a gathering by all means. There are some ace/terrific assemblies.

Anyway when you get there figure out how to maintain a strategic distance from the essayists! They’ll ruin you! Head off to study the art. That is what it is, a specialty. An ability. It’s about correspondence, flying kites, thoughts.

And you’re setting off to compose an entire parcel of poo. Anyhow do it at any rate! It’s a fine, worthwhile diversion. Provided that you need to push, make a wages, be a hack. Compose welcome cards, association reports, love letters, updates, anything that pays a dollar. Hack away day and night, make notes, research, mind surf. Blaze the midnight oil. Get it down, get it out. Get it in an envelope or post it on the web, yet get it like a champ there regardless of how great or awful.

Just be a hack. State what you need to state at all number of statements. Assuming that you need to go encompassing the houses be a taxi driver. Additionally you’ll come around to being an author. And I abhor scholars!

Me? I’m a straight hack! A thirty five year hack! Verse, stories, business reports, board reports, minutes of gatherings, publicizing duplicate, chokes, fillers. And yes, even cherish letters for the scholarly incompetent. Hacks meet deadlines. They tout for work. They charge a charge, and give esteem for cash. Provided that you need a vocation done. Enlist a hack. Employ ME. And figure out how to disdain authors. Goodness and by the way provided that you need to study how to be a hack. I educate!

Author: grahamwhittaker
What do I call myself? A novelist? A journalist? Writer on demand? Copywriter? Ghostwriter? Poet? Is there a single word to describe all these things? if anyone knows one please tell me. I started out life as a journalist after my service time in the RN. I was 22. My love then was music writing, contributing articles to most of the pop/rock magazines of the time. As time went by I ghostwrote biographies for celebs, wrote novels, and made a general living from writing everything from love letters to translating menus in China to acceptable English. I have written greetings cards, manuals, How to books on so many subjects I forget. My living has been as a writer on demand. So, my blog is an eclectic collection of HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. Recently I started writing blogs for company blogs. In my retirement I find myself writing more, about more subjects than I ever covered as a roving journalist. I ask myself why having reached the age of leisure why I am now busier than ever before! If you have a blog, or a job to offer, I'm an obsessive researcher and turnaround time is fast. Yes, I know, I'm a HACK. A writer for money. A gun for hire. But hey... we all have our failings. Thanks for calling in. Feel free to chat and comment. I'll even get back to you with a thank you note!

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