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RYANAIR by DORA BONA.

My best friend of over 25 years recently went to Bulgaria via Ryanair. Here is her facebook post of the trip. I hope you are as tickled as I was. It’s simply funny but scarily, potentially, maybe, possibly, one day might be accurate! Press Release RYANAIR’S NEW AND IMPROVED BANS, CHARGES AND RULES ON ABSOLUTELY…

by: grahamwhittaker

4 years ago

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Press Release

RYANAIR’S NEW AND IMPROVED BANS, CHARGES AND RULES ON ABSOLUTELY FUCKING EVERYTHING

An announcement from Ryanair, Europe’s most beleaguered cheapo airline. Due to policy changes, they will no longer be allowing passengers to take novels, or paperback books of any description on board unless they pay a priority reading fee

A jewellery fee will also be implemented in the coming months, meaning that no passenger may board the plane wearing jewellery weighing more than 1 gram. This, in conjunction with the recent baggage allowance changes, requiring passengers to pay £100 per 6 inch carry on cabin bag and £3,000 per checked bag over 2kg comes as no surprise to Ryanair’s long suffering passengers.
They are more than familiar with the ban on wearing the colour red unless purchasing a priority colour pass for £10 per red item.
As of this week, Ryanair has also introduced a £5 on board fee (per visit) to use the lavatory. They accept Visa and MasterCard.
The ban on ponytails and scrunchies has been in effect for some time, however, their recent strict rules regarding the requirement to print boarding passes only in Black and white has caused some concern and confusion. Many befuddled passengers have been refused permission to board, or asked to pay a fee of £50 at the gate for boarding passes printed in colour.

An unapologetic spokesperson for Ryanair made this comment (before denying that the company is considering introducing a takeoff and landing fee).

“We’re losing money hand over fist so we’ve had to employ a specialist team of strategists to devise creative new ways to bleed our customers dry. It’s working well, and the feedback is encouraging. We’re not a charity after all. We’re still proud to be the cheapest of all the shit airlines, but if you want service with a smile – or in our case, just service – you have to pay for it. And you can take that to the bank!”

When asked about their clunky, confusing website, useless Ukrainian chatbot, hopeless phone communication process, the 5 days it takes to return an email, and the constant “accidental” overcharging of customers, the spokesperson said,
“Oopsie. I never said we were perfect”.

Fucking Ryanair

Author: grahamwhittaker

What do I call myself? A novelist? A journalist? Writer on demand? Copywriter? Ghostwriter? Poet? Is there a single word to describe all these things? if anyone knows one please tell me. I started out life as a journalist after my service time in the RN. I was 22. My love then was music writing, contributing articles to most of the pop/rock magazines of the time. As time went by I ghostwrote biographies for celebs, wrote novels, and made a general living from writing everything from love letters to translating menus in China to acceptable English. I have written greetings cards, manuals, How to books on so many subjects I forget. My living has been as a writer on demand. So, my blog is an eclectic collection of HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. Recently I started writing blogs for company blogs. In my retirement I find myself writing more, about more subjects than I ever covered as a roving journalist. I ask myself why having reached the age of leisure why I am now busier than ever before! My last novel, The Girl From Kosovo has led to a second, which will be in your bookshops next year 2019, and my new anthology of shorts with the title Picking Up Peas With Chopsticks has just been uploaded as an ebook. (It's a pot boiler so don't expect a print version any time soon.) If you have a blog, or a job to offer, I'm an obsessive researcher and turnaround time is fast. Yes, I know, I'm a HACK. A writer for money. A gun for hire. But hey... we all have our failings. Thanks for calling in. Feel free to chat and comment. I'll even get back to you with a thank you note!

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